“The great epochs of our lives are the moments when we have the courage to rebaptize our badness as the best in us.” Nietzsche
I first heard of shadow parties when I was in graduate school over twenty years ago when one of the doctoral students in my clinic
was attending one.
Shadow, in case you are unfamiliar with the concept, is a term coined by Jung and refers to that which we reject in ourselves. We are usually unaware of these qualities in ourselves and only see them in others, but as the saying goes, it takes one to know one. If we see the traits in another, we have them inside of us.
According to Jung, we know our shadow (someone who embodies these rejected qualities) by paying attention to who really irritates and grates on us. Our shadow is the last person we would want to spend a lot of time around. As well, it can be the person we most fear becoming. But the shadow also represents something in us that we need to acknowledge in order to heal and become whole. The problem is, of course, who wants to acknowledge they are just like the person they find most unbearable?
Obviously, at shadow parties people go dressed as their shadows. The doctoral student I mentioned, was dressing as a preppy school girl in a private school uniform. As it happened, I had been one of those for a time myself, but I didn’t let on. Who knew what kind of venomous hostility she felt towards such girls? Shadow can be associated with some pretty dark and hateful feelings, after all.
In fact, as the theory goes, our shadows are what create much of the violence in the world. We project our own hated qualities onto other individuals, races, cultural and religious groups, and countries. Therefore, outer action is not the only way to solve the problems in the world. We also do such work by taking a hard look at ourselves. Jung believed that only if enough people do their shadow work, meaning owning and integrating their shadows, will the world have a chance of surviving.
Thomas Merton wrote,
…instead of hating the people you think are warmakers, hate the appetites and the disorder in your own soul, which are the causes of war. If you love peace, then hate injustice, hate tyranny, hate greed, but hate these things in yourself, not in another.
Philosopher, John O’Donohue, suggests a gentler approach. Like Jung, he recognized that our “negative side” is “one of the closest friends of your destiny. It contains essential energies that you need and that you cannot find elsewhere.” He believed we have to show kindness to our “awkward, disturbing, and negative” characteristics and added, “in a sense, you are called to be a loving parent to your delinquent qualities.” For O’Donohue, rather than hating them, being loving and compassionate toward our shadow (though not necessarily acting on those qualities) is the way toward transformation.
I have never been to a shadow party but I thought about them from time to time as I learned more about the concept of shadow over the years. I imagine these gatherings as being freeing, funny, revealing, and a little edgy. Perhaps many of us have played with our shadows on Hallowe’en without even realizing such was the case.
As it turns out, at my next Interfaith Spiritual Guidance training weekend we are dressing as our shadow. Though it is not exactly a party, the idea is similar. One of my challenges, besides putting together the costume, is deciding on which shadow. Will it be the pushy promoter, the woman with her pooch in purse as accessory, or the crazed religious fanatic? The shallow materialist? The dictator? The non-stop talker? The critic? Or the fool?
Yes, I can see myself in all of these. But I want to choose one that will really challenge me, and that will help me create a larger space within myself – give me larger range. It is said that the hidden treasure of ourselves is in the shadow. Recognizing it can be like a key to our lost selves, freeing up aliveness, creativity and joy. And who can’t use more joy! Not to mention the fact that owning our own shadow heals a little of the world.
It’s not every day I can join with others in trying on our shadows, and I want to make the most of it. I think I do know which shadow figure I will dress as. And I will not have to go to Value Village after all. As it turns out, I have everything I need in my own closet.
No matter how fast you run,
your shadow keeps up.
Sometimes it’s in front!
Only full overhead sun
diminishes your shadow.
But that shadow
has been serving you.
What hurts you,
blesses you.
Darkness
is your candle.
Your boundaries
are your quest.
I could explain this,
but it will break
the glass cover
on your heart,
and there’s no fixing that.
You must have
shadow and light source
both.
Listen,
and lay your head
under the tree of awe.
Rumi